Monday, March 29, 2010

To Elisa,

In regards to your most recent post. You have made me think about my life yet again.

I am not currently apart of any organized religion nor do I know if I will join one in the future, but I hope that by now you have noticed that I am deeply spiritual.

I guess the main difference is the name of who we pray to and where. In this post I will refer to the divine as God. At this point in my life I don't know if I can refer to the divine as a physical being or the entire cosmos, but I can't deny that there is a beauty to every part of life. Science is not enough for me and I know this because I don't find beauty in mixing chemicals or fixing machinery.

To me there is nothing more beautiful than knowing that if I put a seed in the ground in early spring it will grow to be a plant that fruits and provides nutrition for something else. And when it dies that fall and it composts through the winter, putting nutrients back into the soil for another plant to grow the following year. This is the simplest example to come up with. Yes chemists have come up with long boring chemical equations that I detest to explain the fundamentals of nature, but that is not fulfilling. There has to be something more, to provide reasoning. I just don't have a name for it.

Sometimes I call it nature, but I love it and feel so connected to it when I take the time to bring it in my life.

Often times I read your posts as soon as you post them, Elisa, because I'm eager to hear what you have to say. We share a lot of the same core values, and I don't think religion has anything to do with it. Honesty, forgiveness, and grace. These are things that the best of us strive for despite our imperfections.

Recently, someone I love has betrayed me. Used my own regrets against me, thrown them in my face, and continued to taunt me. It was so hard and so hurtful. You never expect the ones closet to you to be quite so harmful and readily to do so. It has made think twice about my life and those I choose to include in it.

I was in the middle of making lunch when this happened, but when I tried to eat I couldn't. I was sick to my stomach with disappointmen, anger, and the most scary of all-enraged. I couldn't just stand there. I had to leave. To get away. To think. To breathe.

Looking at the 1/4 tank of gas left in the jellybean I drove out Peoria Rd. Eventually I stopped and sat by the river to think. To cry. I bawled my eyes out not able to understand what had just happened or why. I was there for her when she needed someone and was abandoned, and then she betrays me.

I am well aware of my worst mistake and I don't need someone to point it out to me. I have come to terms with my mistakes and accepted them. I live with them everyday, they are what make my heart heavy each and every moment. I just never realized that they could still tear me apart until now.

A huge part of me wants to let the situation fester, I want to hate her. And that saddens me. How can you hate someone that you are biologically programmed to love, it's against nature. But that monster tears at me and I ache.

I am finding myself thinking about what you wrote and grace. How could I possibly forgive her? I'm not sure if I even want to, but I have to. It's not something I can ever forget. Then I heard something sitting there:
"Oh sweet angel of mercy with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.
Oh sweet angel of mercy with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger.
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger.
Hey unloving, I will love you,
I will love you, I will love you."


Sunday, March 28, 2010

12 Days

Well my Spring Break was eventful-to me anyways. I just can't wait until it feels like spring. The warm air with a slight breeze blowing in from the south and a big blue sky. I have never loved spring or summer like I do in Oregon.

It's so fresh and alive.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Spring Has Sprung

here in the Pacific Northwest and I'm so happy about it. I'm so exhausted its ridiculous, my back hurts, and my rotator cuff on both sides isn't feeling too hot. BUT

The yard is starting to come along, and I helped my sister recover the greenhouse so we can use it. Last year the chickens decided to call it home and poop all over it. Chicken poop isn't that bad, but when it's thirty-way too much poop for me. Keep in mind that the chickens are usually free-roaming and they decided to call the greenhouse home :/

I planted a rhubarb plant yesterday. I'm very excited about this because it's one of the things I do remember about my mom's dad. Grandpa used to farm before he passed, and I feel closer to him when I do too. It's kinda weird looking up to someone you don't know and is deceased, but its definitely not the first time for our culture.

Sometimes I feel that the American way of life has lost touch with its roots and traditions that we don't have an identity. We have become so tolerant because of this, but its not always beneficial. Many of my generation don't want to experience their culture, so what will bind us?

Buying shit-consumerism? Sarah Palin? Guns?

Who the hell knows. Just because you come from a strong cultural background, it doesn't mean you have to be a bigot about everyone else. I'm not advocating world peace like Miss America, I'm just saying that I feel disjointed as an American. Where do I stand in this huge ass country, and does what I have to say matter?

I wish I had all the answers sometimes, but that would make life boring and predictable. It's more fun this way. And the best thing about trying to get back to roots, there are so many-Apache, Tuscorora, French Yuganot, Scotch, Mexican, Judaism, Catholicism, Baptist, and so much more. If there's something I don't like I can incorporate something else.


Finals Week

2 down and 2 to go. At this point I don't even care anymore. The last two finals are for classes that I liked and I think I can rock them. Looks like I am going to have a c average this term :/ Lame I know. I'm just so glad it's over. Until next term...

At least next term I am taking a bunch of classes that I will like except health. What a bore, I'd rather learn about animals.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Here it goes...

I have been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. The answer is that I don't know. I know that I am going to be a farmer, but that is a way of life-not an occupation.

The plan is to graduate college with an Animal Science degree and a kick ass GPA. The intent is that I want to keep my options open for grad school. But here's the thing; what would I study? I have had interests in the study of ruminology for the last couple of years but my new job has me wondering about going to vet. school.

The only thing is that I don't want to be a veterinarian. I want to farm. But if I could vet. my own animals I would have a huge advantage. At this point I'm just wondering what I am going to do with my life besides stay in love, get married, and have kids someday.

Daydreaming is probably the most accurate description. I guess we'll see where it goes, but as of yet I haven't a clue.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Brand New

I am going to give you a simple set of instructions and you should follow them exactly. An explanation will follow.

  1. Go somewhere absolutely quiet. If you own a laptop, take it somewhere away from everyone else. With a window if possible or even outside.
  2. Click on the link below. Let it load.
  3. While the link is loading, take a few deep breaths.
  4. Has it finished yet? Oh good. Push play.
  5. Immediately look outside or towards the sun.
  6. Now close your eyes.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

What'd you think? My hope is that you set absolutely no expectation and did not watch the video.

This band Brand New is amazing. I must say that I am in love with almost every song I have heard. I have looked up the lyrics and I know most from memory. The music was meant to be enjoyed. The words themselves are not enough. If all their lyrics went into a book I would read it from cover to cover. But for most people it would not be enough for them to get hooked like I am.

Not in a crazy psycho I stalk this band kind of way, just in love with the music. Every single beat is melodious and beautiful. It never gets old and tiring. The longer I listen to it on repeat it begins to sound like a lullaby and I feel soothed. I don't do it enough these days.

A few years ago when I felt like complete shat I was walking home from the bus listening to my ipod. The album Deja Entendu was made for that cold winter day. It was dry and sunny, and I smiled the whole way home because nothing mattered but that moment. That's the same feeling I get when I hear them today.

I will have to admit that music for me is an escape. Blah Blah. "You're not supposed to run from your problems" etc. I know, HOWERVER-of all things to use to escape reality, music is by far the best. I just can't let it go. When I'm fifty and all the bands are tecnologic and enhanced like the amazing Lady Gaga, I will be listening to cds from Brand New.



It's weird when I think about how lost I was 2 years ago and then I feel it all come back.

The stress. The yelling. The arguing. The big non-greek italian behavior of my family. Oh that's right. They can make me just as small as a gnat sometimes. Don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but lately it has just kinda sucked.

Dead week has already started, money is tight-wishing I were a bit more Jewish right about now(I know, that's not PC-who cares?!), I'm working now, and I miss my Bee. It's really sad when you see someone all the time and you miss them. I never understood how that happens until now. You become an "adult" and oblige to everything that everyone else wants us to do, but not really being happy about it.

Bee, I miss you.

Something else I have been thinking about is friends. There are the friends for life who will be at your wedding not matter what happens and then there are the ones who dominate your facebook and picture albums. I have the first, but the latter is somewhat missing. Well not missing, just lacking. I guess I don't put in enough effort.

So then it makes it my fault. Ain't that a bummer. So what do I do about it? I can't go back to the old ones and become besties all over again, I'm ~2500 miles away. It's not logoical and will never happen no matter how hard I wish it.

Just like everything else in life I have to work at it. I have to find a way to fit in friendships in my already well established schedule of work, school, and working for the family.

Results calculated Of Total Hours Used out of 168:
  • In Class Time: 20 hrs
  • Commute Time: ~3.5hrs
  • Farm Time(Chores in general 2x day): 14 hrs
  • Farm Workday: 10 hrs
  • Work Hours: ~15 hrs
  • Study Time: 10 hrs
  • Sleep(9hrs/night): 63 hrs
  • Eat(~3hrs/day): 21 hrs
Estimated Free Time: ~11.5 Hours. OUCH! That's gonna hurt.

What about seeing Brandon, running errands, and things like cleaning my room(cough cough). I'm sure it's hard to believe that I have a vested interested in cleaning my room, but I assure you I do. I just have to get to it. Oh lordy.

Luckily I got to see my old mentor Bonnie, she's something else. It's like she can see right through my compulsive neurocies and worry, like she knows I'll be just fine. That woman is a saving grace and I'm so glad to call her friend.

A friend! I knew I could do it. :0 What the?!

I'll be fine.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


How is it that I can sit and post a blog in under a half hour but for the life of me I can't ever manage to write a speech with enough time to rehearse it. I have a speech due at 1:30pm tomo and a Biology lab report due at 11am.

I've been working on them throughout the week but it just hasn't been enough to get them finished. Fuck my life.

Work is great though. I got an 80 on my last Bio midterm and I seem to be doing ok in my Bio labs. I guess I better get going :/

Sad panda.