Being Alone.

November 2007: My highschool sweetheart moved back home to Texas, and left me. I was young and naive and he promised he would marry me, that we'd end up together once I was legal. I'm 19 now.

Slowly we drifted apart, what could you expect from a 16 year old girl and a 19 year old boy. We had nothing to cling to but hopes-and those weren't likely at best. Once I realized that we weren't fit for each other I began to resent and hate him. Now I understand that wasn't very fair of me, you can't expect much in the way of love when you're that young.

More than anything I just became angry. At myself for investing all my emotions in one person, as if it were a stockmarket of love. At him for leaving me. At my parents for letting us be in a relationship. After sometime and not much outcome of anger, I just got numb. Bitter. I gave up. Not on life, but love.

I dropped out of high school January 2008. I didn't know anyone so I didn't care, I just wanted to do something that didn't remind me of him. I got my GED and started college April 2008. That's when things started to look up. Late into spring term I heard about a job at a girl scouts camp and I thought, wow-this could really be something. And it was. I loved the people, how strong they were and how open and accepting they were. It was clear that the staff had become a family. I'm so thankful for that.

After camp ended I started to revert back to my numb self. Didn't really socialize much that first term so I sort of set myself up. Luckily camp staff hang out post-season and I met even more amazing people.

It wasn't until that summer when I really started to smile again, to be me again.

Everyday I still have to work at it; to remember to smile and not always daydream, and to really just enjoy myself. Now I have someone in my life who really knows me-bitter and not bitter.

I love that I can love him and not have to worry about ending up alone.

Being alone all that time was so hard, but I got to know myself. To know the foods I like, and that I have always loved cooking but never really acknowledged it. To explore different kinds of music and read tons of books. To be able to enjoy the sun on my own, without anyone else.

If you can't live with yourself, why would anyone else want to?

I don't need Bee in my life to be happy, I finally figured out how to do that on my own. I want him there though.