Being Alone.

November 2007: My highschool sweetheart moved back home to Texas, and left me. I was young and naive and he promised he would marry me, that we'd end up together once I was legal. I'm 19 now.

Slowly we drifted apart, what could you expect from a 16 year old girl and a 19 year old boy. We had nothing to cling to but hopes-and those weren't likely at best. Once I realized that we weren't fit for each other I began to resent and hate him. Now I understand that wasn't very fair of me, you can't expect much in the way of love when you're that young.

More than anything I just became angry. At myself for investing all my emotions in one person, as if it were a stockmarket of love. At him for leaving me. At my parents for letting us be in a relationship. After sometime and not much outcome of anger, I just got numb. Bitter. I gave up. Not on life, but love.

I dropped out of high school January 2008. I didn't know anyone so I didn't care, I just wanted to do something that didn't remind me of him. I got my GED and started college April 2008. That's when things started to look up. Late into spring term I heard about a job at a girl scouts camp and I thought, wow-this could really be something. And it was. I loved the people, how strong they were and how open and accepting they were. It was clear that the staff had become a family. I'm so thankful for that.

After camp ended I started to revert back to my numb self. Didn't really socialize much that first term so I sort of set myself up. Luckily camp staff hang out post-season and I met even more amazing people.

It wasn't until that summer when I really started to smile again, to be me again.

Everyday I still have to work at it; to remember to smile and not always daydream, and to really just enjoy myself. Now I have someone in my life who really knows me-bitter and not bitter.

I love that I can love him and not have to worry about ending up alone.

Being alone all that time was so hard, but I got to know myself. To know the foods I like, and that I have always loved cooking but never really acknowledged it. To explore different kinds of music and read tons of books. To be able to enjoy the sun on my own, without anyone else.

If you can't live with yourself, why would anyone else want to?

I don't need Bee in my life to be happy, I finally figured out how to do that on my own. I want him there though.

75 Things/Memories That Make Me Happy

I have heard about writing lists like this one and hear that they are very beneficial:

1. Moshing at an alt. rock concert, letting loose in the mass of people and feeling every part of the song.
   
2. Looking in on old friends and seeing their happiness
3. Flamin Hot Cheetos with Lime
4. Quoting Taking Back Sunday or Brand New
   
5. making lists
6. falling asleep typing
   
7. making a feeble attempt at writing a book
8. an old jewelery box of my Grandmother's that I have yet to refurbish(the finish nails that hold the back on don't anymore)
9. customized calf-high converse
10. having tons of pillows
11. and stuffed animals, preferably those that you pay high prices for that go towards breast cancer or other good causes, they're plushy
12. home made teryaki burgers
13. my triad necklace, it's a celtic knot
14. Voodoo Donut
15. getting pizza out of Dante's back door-a very 'sketchy' strip joint in Portland
16. my car breaking down on the side of the road right after leaving Enchanted Forest and on the way to Sonic, LAME but good friends made it a not-so-horrible experience
17. "See the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take. When hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away" -Taking Back Sunday
18. Bee
19. The vision of becoming an income producing-self sustaining-environmentally conscious farmer. I'll make it happen.
20. driving The Beast
21. "I'll never ask permission from you. Fuck off, I'm not listening to you. " Blink 182
22. Sleeping with the fan always on
23. Grandmother spraying the embroidered rose on my Easter dress with perfume because I was a big girl
24. Showing cows
25. Doodling aimlessly when I can't find the words
26. singing camp songs
27. Having faith in life itself
28. the color red
29. red peacoats
30. Keila White-Houston, Tx
31. San Francisco baby
32. The New Moon Soundtrack. I'm a tard, I know. It's pretty damn amazing though.
33. Cooking! This leads to the next one:
34. FOOD, I'm a foodie. Maybe someday I will become a food critique but until then I'll just eat lots and exercise I guess.
35. Old fashioned, handwritten letters/notes. They're so lovely and rare to receive.
36. Listening to the piano. I am challenged in the realm of musical instruments, but I adore them and those who have the skill.
37. Triple rainbows. I've only ever seen it once; traveling from Houston to Corvallis. We were passing through Colorado, and on the rare occasion that I was awake in that navy blue dodge pickup I saw it.
    
38. Never having to 'do' my hair in the morning. Pretty much never ever have I spent more than about five minutes on my hair, 4.5 of that brushing the knots out :/
39. Surfing all the while thinking about the lyrics to Brand New's "Tautou"
40. "I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark. I'm spun out so far, you stop by stars. But I'll be true to you." -Anya Marina
41. Eating frozen pizza, mango salsa, and sour patch kids on New Year's Eve of 2008.
42. The one and only time I've been to Enchanted Forest.
43. Red Bull in low quantities
44. This super awesome round blue pillow that has been propping me up while I have been writing this whole damn thing.
45. Choir regionals, 7th grade
46. Looking up to Simone Cid, before she became a poor role model.
47. Falling asleep listening to music.
48. Seeing parts of the Redwood Forest
49. Despising California's "Vista Points". Spanglish, really?
50. Hiking at Silver Falls
51. Taking care of horses with Tessycat
52. Moccasins!
53. Kissing in the rain.
54. Chick flicks. I'm a sucker for them, Bee is too apparently :p
55. Cuban Salsa with my hunny.
56. Blogging
57. Reading
58. Jack Kerouac's "On The Road"
59. Perks of Being a Wallflower
60. Old farmhouses
61. Willow trees
62. The comfort of wearing Levis
63. Thermal socks
64. pulling weeds out of the garden
65. harvesting vegetables
66. foccacia bread sandwiches
67. CHEESE!
    
68. homemade soaps, lotions, and lip balms
69. I am a tea fanatic. I just love it
70. blueberry picking
71. gleaning, Oregon's great for it.
72. Alief FFA
73. Cats and dogs are equally cool
74. Riding the old logging road at CWW
75. Political discussions with open-minded individuals

I was shooting for 100 things but it just got downright tiresome. I have been trying to think of things to add to this list without repeating stuff, but since it's day 3 I will post as is. I guess I ought to get a move on with that speech...

-Goose

Dreams

are interesting things. No one knows a whole lot about them or what they mean. Yesterday morning I woke up frantic and laid there for thirty minutes to remind myself that it wasn't real.

It was about life, my life, an alternate life. It's the life I don't want and tried so hard to avoid with that person, the one I don't want anymore. Logically I know that the main reason I had that dream was because my Mom and I were talking about my past the night before, but it still shook me. There are some dreams I just don't want to have, I don't want to be reminded of what was but isn't anymore.

My mom always says "life doesn't always give you want, sometimes you get what you need", this is very true. When I think of how I met Bee, I honestly feel it was by chance and that he was the person I needed to heal myself. Today, at this moment I know that I'm okay. If I weren't I wouldn't be able to have such a close relationship with Brandon, but it still aches.

Occasionally, I wonder if it will go away. I hope that someday the holes that were formed will be filled with something new and much more beautiful, and with such a good friend I know it will.

-Goose

Thank you!

Today is my birthday. I woke up and feel no older, but then realize I am too years closer to being able to support my sister on Kariokee night...how do you spell kariokee again? That would be fun.

I logged on to my facebook and was surprised by all the 'happy birthday's, especially since I got so few last year. And I'm pretty sure it's not that I gained many new friends this year, quite frankly I have been terribly busy and unable to keep with those that are around. Nope it was the old faithfuls, friends from elementary and middle school, and some new.

I must admit that I really do miss those days. The ones where all you want to do is slam your door shut, lay on your bed, and listen to music for hours without a care in the world. Unfortunately I don't get that often enough anymore, being an adult calls for responsibility so I can't let hours just fly by while I do nothing. Mostly I miss the people and the innocence.

In contrast I love all the new music I have discovered, amazing outdoor adventures, and the warm hearted people I have met over the last few years.

So thank you, for making me appreciate the past and present.

My Christmas List

1. This dreary oregon weather will miraculously clear and my cows will birth with no complications. Then I will wake up on Christmas morn and there will be a blanket of snow. I can hope right.

2. A red peacoat. What could be better?!

3. MadGab. "Eye mull of mush sheen" This would be so amazing to play with some camp friends!

4. New scarves, you can never have too many and I don't have enough.

5. Dozens upon dozens of tamales will make themselves! And I won't have to.

Mostly I just want a peacoat. I could think of some pretty handy things I could use this year like walky talkies for on the farm, but they aren't must haves. And I really want the feasting process to go just as smoothly as Thanksgiving did.

I don't think I did mention Thanksgiving, so now I will. It started about 2 days early for my family. There was lots of food to be cooked and one very small 1960's stepford housewife kitchen. We had no choice but to start early. Glutenous pies were baked the night before, that I slaved over past midnight. Stuffing was mixed minus the eggs and ready to go. Every vegetable was cut and put into a container for each part of the meal. The whole meal was planned and simple to put together day of. Never in my life do I recall a Thanksgiving meal going so smoothly. Although, I'm sure it had something to do with four adult women working together in the kitchen. It was the best ever.

Which reminds me, I need to figure out the meal plan for the holidays!

I really don't want to write my paper.

Blech. An email of intent, essentially its a preliminary report on what my research project proposal will be. But its still lame. Our project proposal is supposed to involve a company with poor Corporate Social Responsibility within our field, and then provide a suggestion on how they could improve it by joining or adding to a cause etc Blach!!!

I'm so tired, too. Not sleeping well, but that might be because of Jimmy's sudden desire to let me know of his existence. Why I'm not so sure. Haven't heard from this guy in over a year now, finally accept that for no apparent reason I am a horrible person and therefore should be ignored. Then POOF, a text message:/

"hey"

Then a facebook message; "I've been a dick yea I know, reasons I was an immature retard. Why I haven't been saying shit is kind of a long story. But how have you been though, good I hope? How is school going, hope your mom an Katie are doing good. Message me if you want and whenever."

REALLY?!! Come on.

My guilty pleasures:

-Ricky Martin cd's. I have three. And not the english albums :)
-RedBull. Its so bad for you especially when drank(or drunk) in quantities more than 20 oz., which of course I do. Well did. I'm off the stuff for now. Let's see how long we can keep it that way!
-SOUR PATCH! If I have a few bucks and they're available I'll buy 'em everytime. Sour straws, off brand, brand new, sour patch watermelons. They're soooooooooooo good.
-Tea. Man how I love tea. Although I did not drink nearly enough this summer, but in the fall and winter I can't survive without it. Green tea, black tea, white tea, roiboos, herb, or flower petals. It's so effing fantastic.
-mom's lasagna.
-NCIS, House, CSI, One Tree Hill. Damn primtime. Oh well.
-Laying in the grass and cloud watching. What else would you do with perfectly abundant Oregon clouds?
-watching Empire Records with my sister while she dances around like a lunatic
-sitting in a diesel pick up going anywhere

You never really realize how stupid you were when you were younger until your sibling is at that age being just as stupid, or maybe a bit more. Oh how time flies.
In the last 2.5 years I have

• received a GED from LBCC
• enrolled at Oregon State University
  and completed 47 credits.
• Moved out of my Dad's apt
• Moved in with my sister while she was pregnant with my niece
• Moved in with my 2 other sisters who were really crappy roommates
  
• and finally moved back in with my Mom
• taken a herd of 5 cows to 9 cows +4 lambs, 5 dairy goats(one being a smelly Billy), 2 turkeys, 25 laying hens, 2 geese, 2 pigs and 9 ducks.
• bought my sweet ass laptop
• worked at a summer camp which was by far the best Girl Scout camp experience ever having met a lot of sketchy creeper good friends.
• grew a garden with tomato plants over six feet high!
• canned a scrumptious plum sauce
• picked something close to 50 lbs. of cherries
• met someone great at Applebee's
• read the best book of my life; "Way of The Peaceful Warrior"(DONT watch the movie, its HORRIBLE)
  
• gone to Warped Tour for the first time ever
• saw Taking Back Sunday for the second time and Blink 182
• One Tree Hill is still the only soap that I watch
• learned to be happy when its so much easier to be angry
• loved having my own cala lillies.

Thats about it. I'm pleased.

Introduction

Eighteen year old sophmore at Oregon State, majoring in Animal Sciences with a beef option. I like long walks on the beach and reading fiction. haha. just kidding.
I do actually love reading fiction. I am currently reading a novel; Jack Kerouac's On the Road. I'll let ya know how it turns out. I have been so busy this summer that I haven't opened a book since June 1! That's incredibly awesome since I'm not in classes, but at the same time it really blows. Reading is a great way to relax I think, it really helps take my mind off things.

I don't really know how I would describe myself. I used to think of myself as a rebel, but more and more I am discovering how plain Jane I really am. I'm the girl that used to wear dickies, beaters, and hi-tops everyday. Now I'm the girl in jeans, a nice blouse, and a pair of flats...that is if I'm not covered in mud and sweat from a long day's work on the farm. Its kinda funny how a girl born in Liberty, New York and after living in Houston for 7 years decides to go to college to be a farmer. Its a good way to go I think.

This kind of lifestyle really makes me feel connected to my family that has passed. My grandparents lived a sustainable life in the Catskills(northern part of the Appalachian Mts. kinda like the Cascades of New York) and I never really got a chance to know them. Now my mom teaches me some of the things they taught her. And despite how much my little sister and I fight, it gives us a chance to work together on some things and prove to Mom that we don't always want to kill each other.

More Later.

-Goose