Frank

Let's be Frank here.

Snoozed the alarm for almost an hour. Finally rolled out of bed and into a very rushed but successful morning routine. Had a super amazing piece of chocolate cake for breakfast. Yeah I know, not very healthy but it was so damn good. Made a 5 pint bottle for the bull calf, supplied his breakfast.

My darling older sister is helping out even more than she normally does and is going to help me out with feeding when I work in the mornings so I don't have to be at five, so morning chores were quick. Then Aunt Flow arrived. Whatever I made I'll make it through, right? I do every month.

Arrive to work at 8:01, slap on my boots and I'm ready to work. Say hello to the dogs. Boss and I talked yesterday and I thought I would be filling the post-op stalls with shavings. Not today friends, I got prep a surgery room. Pretty cool actually and I get to wear those little blue bootie things and everything. It's great. Half way through setting up my uterus decides to contract painfully, any woman knows this is not fun.

And to make things even more interesting I get to watch a surgery for the first time, somewhat gut-wrenching but not too bad. Although it is when your uterus is cramping like holey hell. I made it through though, no throwing up but I wanted to.

Watching the surgery was weird. First I got all hot and uncomfortable so I took my coat off, then I start freezing my butt off. Then my actual stomach starts cramping above the uteran cramps, so not fair. I made it ok, but when I got out I just felt sick.

I talked to some of the other people present and they assured me that I'd be okay, it's something you get acclimatized to in time. That made me feel a bit better. I'm okay now. I guess I just get nervous.

Oy.

Once again I have been neglecting this poor thing. There has just been so much going on that I actually have something to blog about.

For starters I am now gainfully employed as a student worker for the Department of Animals in the College of Ag. Sciences here at O. State. More specifically I assist a research assistant since their is too much work for just one person. I also tend to sheep on a regular basis, pre and post-op care, prep surgery rooms, and lab work. Basically my job is kick ass. I'm really enjoying the work and gaining some different experience, plus my boss works alongside me and not over me so I don't feel unimportant or like slave labor.

Due to this super awesome job and being exposed to amazing people and resources I might end up with a two year old border collie pup. He-Sam is his name-actually belongs to my boss, but is in need of a new home. He was raised as a working dog and my boss would like to get him back to doing that. My boss and I are going to train him to be a working dog and if things work out then he could probably work out at my place giving him a new home. I hope this opportunity works so that Sam doesn't end up with some stranger cooped up inside. I'm really excited at the thought of having an animal that I can bond with, since (as I have posted previously) farm animals are well cared for by my family but not pets.

Oh and I suffer from insufficient levels of vitamin D, nevermind the fact that I spend part of everyday outside working. Yay doctors prescribing supplements :/ Hopefully it helps with the fatigue. Lately I have been getting 10 hours of sleep on average, some nights more than that, and it never feels like it is enough. My activity level hasn't drastically changed so hopefully the supplement helps.

More later.

Goose

Being Alone.

November 2007: My highschool sweetheart moved back home to Texas, and left me. I was young and naive and he promised he would marry me, that we'd end up together once I was legal. I'm 19 now.

Slowly we drifted apart, what could you expect from a 16 year old girl and a 19 year old boy. We had nothing to cling to but hopes-and those weren't likely at best. Once I realized that we weren't fit for each other I began to resent and hate him. Now I understand that wasn't very fair of me, you can't expect much in the way of love when you're that young.

More than anything I just became angry. At myself for investing all my emotions in one person, as if it were a stockmarket of love. At him for leaving me. At my parents for letting us be in a relationship. After sometime and not much outcome of anger, I just got numb. Bitter. I gave up. Not on life, but love.

I dropped out of high school January 2008. I didn't know anyone so I didn't care, I just wanted to do something that didn't remind me of him. I got my GED and started college April 2008. That's when things started to look up. Late into spring term I heard about a job at a girl scouts camp and I thought, wow-this could really be something. And it was. I loved the people, how strong they were and how open and accepting they were. It was clear that the staff had become a family. I'm so thankful for that.

After camp ended I started to revert back to my numb self. Didn't really socialize much that first term so I sort of set myself up. Luckily camp staff hang out post-season and I met even more amazing people.

It wasn't until that summer when I really started to smile again, to be me again.

Everyday I still have to work at it; to remember to smile and not always daydream, and to really just enjoy myself. Now I have someone in my life who really knows me-bitter and not bitter.

I love that I can love him and not have to worry about ending up alone.

Being alone all that time was so hard, but I got to know myself. To know the foods I like, and that I have always loved cooking but never really acknowledged it. To explore different kinds of music and read tons of books. To be able to enjoy the sun on my own, without anyone else.

If you can't live with yourself, why would anyone else want to?

I don't need Bee in my life to be happy, I finally figured out how to do that on my own. I want him there though.

Health

I'm sick.

And it sucks.

almost 10 pm, getting sick.
173 words of my speech accomplished so far.
tired as heck.
listening to Taking Back Sunday
speech due at 2 pm tomo.
still haven't practiced.
have to get up early.
fuck!

75 Things/Memories That Make Me Happy

I have heard about writing lists like this one and hear that they are very beneficial:

1. Moshing at an alt. rock concert, letting loose in the mass of people and feeling every part of the song.
   
2. Looking in on old friends and seeing their happiness
3. Flamin Hot Cheetos with Lime
4. Quoting Taking Back Sunday or Brand New
   
5. making lists
6. falling asleep typing
   
7. making a feeble attempt at writing a book
8. an old jewelery box of my Grandmother's that I have yet to refurbish(the finish nails that hold the back on don't anymore)
9. customized calf-high converse
10. having tons of pillows
11. and stuffed animals, preferably those that you pay high prices for that go towards breast cancer or other good causes, they're plushy
12. home made teryaki burgers
13. my triad necklace, it's a celtic knot
14. Voodoo Donut
15. getting pizza out of Dante's back door-a very 'sketchy' strip joint in Portland
16. my car breaking down on the side of the road right after leaving Enchanted Forest and on the way to Sonic, LAME but good friends made it a not-so-horrible experience
17. "See the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take. When hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away" -Taking Back Sunday
18. Bee
19. The vision of becoming an income producing-self sustaining-environmentally conscious farmer. I'll make it happen.
20. driving The Beast
21. "I'll never ask permission from you. Fuck off, I'm not listening to you. " Blink 182
22. Sleeping with the fan always on
23. Grandmother spraying the embroidered rose on my Easter dress with perfume because I was a big girl
24. Showing cows
25. Doodling aimlessly when I can't find the words
26. singing camp songs
27. Having faith in life itself
28. the color red
29. red peacoats
30. Keila White-Houston, Tx
31. San Francisco baby
32. The New Moon Soundtrack. I'm a tard, I know. It's pretty damn amazing though.
33. Cooking! This leads to the next one:
34. FOOD, I'm a foodie. Maybe someday I will become a food critique but until then I'll just eat lots and exercise I guess.
35. Old fashioned, handwritten letters/notes. They're so lovely and rare to receive.
36. Listening to the piano. I am challenged in the realm of musical instruments, but I adore them and those who have the skill.
37. Triple rainbows. I've only ever seen it once; traveling from Houston to Corvallis. We were passing through Colorado, and on the rare occasion that I was awake in that navy blue dodge pickup I saw it.
    
38. Never having to 'do' my hair in the morning. Pretty much never ever have I spent more than about five minutes on my hair, 4.5 of that brushing the knots out :/
39. Surfing all the while thinking about the lyrics to Brand New's "Tautou"
40. "I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark. I'm spun out so far, you stop by stars. But I'll be true to you." -Anya Marina
41. Eating frozen pizza, mango salsa, and sour patch kids on New Year's Eve of 2008.
42. The one and only time I've been to Enchanted Forest.
43. Red Bull in low quantities
44. This super awesome round blue pillow that has been propping me up while I have been writing this whole damn thing.
45. Choir regionals, 7th grade
46. Looking up to Simone Cid, before she became a poor role model.
47. Falling asleep listening to music.
48. Seeing parts of the Redwood Forest
49. Despising California's "Vista Points". Spanglish, really?
50. Hiking at Silver Falls
51. Taking care of horses with Tessycat
52. Moccasins!
53. Kissing in the rain.
54. Chick flicks. I'm a sucker for them, Bee is too apparently :p
55. Cuban Salsa with my hunny.
56. Blogging
57. Reading
58. Jack Kerouac's "On The Road"
59. Perks of Being a Wallflower
60. Old farmhouses
61. Willow trees
62. The comfort of wearing Levis
63. Thermal socks
64. pulling weeds out of the garden
65. harvesting vegetables
66. foccacia bread sandwiches
67. CHEESE!
    
68. homemade soaps, lotions, and lip balms
69. I am a tea fanatic. I just love it
70. blueberry picking
71. gleaning, Oregon's great for it.
72. Alief FFA
73. Cats and dogs are equally cool
74. Riding the old logging road at CWW
75. Political discussions with open-minded individuals

I was shooting for 100 things but it just got downright tiresome. I have been trying to think of things to add to this list without repeating stuff, but since it's day 3 I will post as is. I guess I ought to get a move on with that speech...

-Goose

Current Issue Informative Speech

I have a speech due and it's mandatory that I write out an outline so detailed and perfect that if I were to hand it over to someone they could deliver almost the same exact speech. Wha?! How is this supposed to work?

My speech is next Wednesday and I scheduled a meeting with my TA for Monday at 9am so that she can look over my outline. I don't even have a topic yet. I suppose I could go with my favorite topic: food!

There is so much I could say about food, but it's not about what I have to say. It's to inform about both sides of a subject. Food with controversy...the possibilities:

• Organic vs nonorganic
• local vs organic
• hormone free meat products
• free range chickens?
• grain fed beef
• pastured pork
• antibiotics in meat products

Oh, the possibilities. I may go with grain fed beef simply because it's an issue that I care about, but I also care about it enough to present both sides of the issue accurately. Hopefully I can successfully pull that off. I have already written a paper about it so I can reference that and some of those sources.

Goose

Luck?

I don't believe in luck. You have to make your own. I know that sounds stupid and cheesey but it's true. Bad things happen to good people everyday and the only way it changes is if they themselves change and adapt. It's how my family survives.

Speaking of changes, I'm already wanting to move on to next term. I am so excited to see what my schedule turns out. Here's what I'm hoping for:

• yoga in the mornings(1 cred.)
• Reproduction in cattle intro course(4credits)
• Repro lab(2 credits)
• Biology 213 with lab(4 credits)
• Health class(2 credits)

Lots of science with labs-this is good! I learn best with labs and the ANS labs here at OSU are effing phenomenal. When I was talking to my advisor about repro, she said I will think of nothing but repro next term. That's kind of exciting!! It's the series of courses that I have been waiting to take for about a year now, and 100% applicable to my own life. Maybe there is a sign of hope in all of last week's bad news.

And to top off the cake my advisor might just be able to hook me up with a part time job during the term and potentially full time job working with someone she knows. She sent out an email to quite a few people but told me to think about it and she'd something up if I were interested. Chyes, of course I'm interested. My current economic situation demands that I get a job, while my college career says that I need to get more socially active in the Department of Animal Sciences. Something that satisfies both requirements is ideal and this just might...however it had to do with research and rams..

I don't know shit about rams, but pre-vet is not required so I'm game and am really looking forward to expanding my options(and Resume).

Keep your fingers crossed!

Monday.

A fresh start. It seems as though last week was the longest single day every.

Recap-Case 1:Bing Crosby

the calf born on Christmas Eve that we were having to bottle feed died. He got an infection early on and we treated-penicillin. Keep in mind the fact that we even had to use antibiotics bothered me. We try to keep things as natural as possible.

Anyways Bee had taught the calf to nurse on his mother and he seemed to be doing really well. Apparently her milk production had dropped and the calf wasn't getting enough milk. We had a necropsy performed since he died suddenly and hadn't shown any signs. This was last Monday. The infection the calf had gotten in the beginning had caused a whole in his brain. No one knew, he didn't act weird. The whole month that we cared for him and bottle fed him meant nothing, we wasn't going to make it anways.

Case 2: McJagger

Last sunday Anne finally had her calf all on her own, no delivery problems that we knew of at the time. Everything seemed okay, we took his measurements-another bull calf-and that was that. Did I mention that he showed symptoms of Albanism-as in one of his eyes was albino. You could see right through it I kid you not.

Come Tuesday he had fallen ill. Another vet visit, intensive care. At one point this calf was laying on a yoga mat covered with a blanket and straw in front of our fire place for 36 hours. He had no suck reflux so he wasn't receiving nutrition. In order to save him we had to place a tube down his throat and feed him that way. I know-I must be a cruel person. A truly cruel person would have left him to die right then and there. Turns out the mucous from being inside the womb had gotten into his airways and he was having trouble breathing.

Thursday morning he seemed miserable but he was starting to stand up and walk around the house a little. We decided that maybe he wanted the comfort of his mother so we put them together.

Because of his Albanism the vets could see behind his eye there was blood and swelling. There was nothing we could do, by midnight his nervous system was damaged and he didn't make. Part of that damage caused him to steer from his insticts and not nurse.

Case 3: Pansy-cow of case 1

Because her calf had passed and she was a first time mom she was very distressed. She balled for days at the fence, in the barn, it didn't matter where she was. A distressed cow is a dangerous cow-she'd lost her young. And who could blame her, she doesn't understand that he's gone and can't come back.

We decided to make a few phone calls and see if we could get her to adopt a little dairy calf. If all else failed she wouldn't and we'd have to bottle feed. His name is Miles Davis and is a Holstien bull calf-very cute. Miles belongs to Bee actually and he seems to enjoy himself.

It actually worked, she nurses him occasionally so we supplement with the bottle twice a day. I am very impressed and glad that Pansy feels better taking care of Miles than being alone.

All in all it's been a long grueling week. I helped Bee scrape 2500 lbs of 40 year old roofing tar off his grandparents' garage and I'm tired. What I want right now is for 2:00 to come so I can get some tea and sit for a few minutes with the love of my life.