Forevermore

http://gooseyontheroad.blogspot.com/

The new shpeel

Well school is definitely in session :/ Enough of that debbiness, I got an 89 on my Organic Chem exam which I super fuckin excited about! However, I am bummed that I couldn't manage to really push it to an A, hell i missed it by one point.
On another note I am rather excited about my Trig class. I never thought I'd enjoy or understand math but for someone reason it just clicks. I'd like to think it's because I set a goal and I won't let a math class get in the way.
I have also been in encouraging the love of my life to join me in Casino dancing(cuban salsa) which I am really falling in love with. I have never enjoyed dancing this much. It just seems like Cuban music offers such a wide variety of dancing that you can never be bored. I'm just happy that it is something we can do together that I love. I can't wait to see where this goes :D

Another Planet Heard From!

Well not really-just me. I have an awful habit of telling myself I am going to blog about something, but then I don't. Horrible I know, but that's life. It sweeps you up and you have to keep up.

This summer I have acquired some new skills: canning mostly! We haven't gotten nearly as much accomplished this summer as we would have liked but we have done quite a bit. The garden this year was very fruitful, almost TOO fruitful. Not really, we just didn't harvest often enough to preserve things. The upside is that we have tons of tomatoes to can from the garden to go with the 120 lbs that are sitting in jars out in the garage. Sister made homemade grape jelly, it was fucking amazing. Rather impressive since she always claims she can't cook(this is the same woman who makes the world's best creamy shrimp orzo from scratch)!

School endeavors are off to a decent start. First exam is on Monday for Organic Chemistry, but that won't keep me down. I'll get it down. In fact, I have become a coffee consumer again. But not the crappy folgers, oh no it's better. Starbucks Kimodo Bold roast is heaven to wake up to every morning.

Lately there has been lots to write about but not nearly enough time to even log on. Some interesting posts would have been about The Scarred Man, Casino de Rueda aka Salsa Bootcamp, and of course food! But some things are better reserved and unexploited. But someday I have a feeling they will show up in a book. I did write a letter to my dearest BonBon, though.

-Goose

Old Souls

I have always heard about them, and it seems pretty typical when they are with you all the time. But then I remember that they aren't old at all, and even old souls need wisdom.

Right now, I don't know what to say.

oops!

It has been a while since I have updated. Not too terribly much has happened except me wallowing in self pity over my grades in repro and biology.

Finally I figured that it wasn't doing me any good, so I hunkered down and studied. I'm looking at a C- so far in repro based on the current curve. Hopefully everyone else gets crappy grades too. I know that is a little selfish, but its what I hope!

My amazing friend from high school just got done for the year at USC and is back in town! I have to dogsit for my boss this weekend so we are gonna hang out and catch up. I can't wait!

Lots of things are coming up in the next three weeks; I'm not sure if I should be excited or stressed. My grandparents will be visiting to see my dads graduation, planning a celebratory hike with B since the term is coming to a close, regstration for the fall, the hardest exams I have ever taken, and finally summer.

Have I mentioned that I will be attempting organic chemistry, calculus, and animal nutrition!I was planning to take applied repro, but there is a scheduling conflict. I'm hoping for the best and really trying to stay positive about studying

To be continued...

Ihave been thinking for quite sometime about what I will truly blog about. Currently my life revolves around the farm and college and I love it most days-so why not blog about what's important right now.

School is still quite a jumbled mess, but I'm beginning to get a direction.

You can follow my blog at http://gooseyontheroad.blogspot.com/

blackberries!

Not the Himalayan kind but the phone kind. I finally got one after waiting so long but typing is so horribly awful-it's like learning how to type all over again with no predictive text :/ lame!

Term started last week and it's so exciting. Lots of amazing hands on learning that is applicable to multiple species so it will be especially useful.I'll touch on that later.

With it being the second week of term I already feel like I don't sleep enough so I'll cut this one short.

-Goosey

To Elisa,

In regards to your most recent post. You have made me think about my life yet again.

I am not currently apart of any organized religion nor do I know if I will join one in the future, but I hope that by now you have noticed that I am deeply spiritual.

I guess the main difference is the name of who we pray to and where. In this post I will refer to the divine as God. At this point in my life I don't know if I can refer to the divine as a physical being or the entire cosmos, but I can't deny that there is a beauty to every part of life. Science is not enough for me and I know this because I don't find beauty in mixing chemicals or fixing machinery.

To me there is nothing more beautiful than knowing that if I put a seed in the ground in early spring it will grow to be a plant that fruits and provides nutrition for something else. And when it dies that fall and it composts through the winter, putting nutrients back into the soil for another plant to grow the following year. This is the simplest example to come up with. Yes chemists have come up with long boring chemical equations that I detest to explain the fundamentals of nature, but that is not fulfilling. There has to be something more, to provide reasoning. I just don't have a name for it.

Sometimes I call it nature, but I love it and feel so connected to it when I take the time to bring it in my life.

Often times I read your posts as soon as you post them, Elisa, because I'm eager to hear what you have to say. We share a lot of the same core values, and I don't think religion has anything to do with it. Honesty, forgiveness, and grace. These are things that the best of us strive for despite our imperfections.

Recently, someone I love has betrayed me. Used my own regrets against me, thrown them in my face, and continued to taunt me. It was so hard and so hurtful. You never expect the ones closet to you to be quite so harmful and readily to do so. It has made think twice about my life and those I choose to include in it.

I was in the middle of making lunch when this happened, but when I tried to eat I couldn't. I was sick to my stomach with disappointmen, anger, and the most scary of all-enraged. I couldn't just stand there. I had to leave. To get away. To think. To breathe.

Looking at the 1/4 tank of gas left in the jellybean I drove out Peoria Rd. Eventually I stopped and sat by the river to think. To cry. I bawled my eyes out not able to understand what had just happened or why. I was there for her when she needed someone and was abandoned, and then she betrays me.

I am well aware of my worst mistake and I don't need someone to point it out to me. I have come to terms with my mistakes and accepted them. I live with them everyday, they are what make my heart heavy each and every moment. I just never realized that they could still tear me apart until now.

A huge part of me wants to let the situation fester, I want to hate her. And that saddens me. How can you hate someone that you are biologically programmed to love, it's against nature. But that monster tears at me and I ache.

I am finding myself thinking about what you wrote and grace. How could I possibly forgive her? I'm not sure if I even want to, but I have to. It's not something I can ever forget. Then I heard something sitting there:
"Oh sweet angel of mercy with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.
Oh sweet angel of mercy with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger.
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.
Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger.
Hey unloving, I will love you,
I will love you, I will love you."

"

12 Days

Well my Spring Break was eventful-to me anyways. I just can't wait until it feels like spring. The warm air with a slight breeze blowing in from the south and a big blue sky. I have never loved spring or summer like I do in Oregon.

It's so fresh and alive.

Spring Has Sprung

here in the Pacific Northwest and I'm so happy about it. I'm so exhausted its ridiculous, my back hurts, and my rotator cuff on both sides isn't feeling too hot. BUT

The yard is starting to come along, and I helped my sister recover the greenhouse so we can use it. Last year the chickens decided to call it home and poop all over it. Chicken poop isn't that bad, but when it's thirty-way too much poop for me. Keep in mind that the chickens are usually free-roaming and they decided to call the greenhouse home :/

I planted a rhubarb plant yesterday. I'm very excited about this because it's one of the things I do remember about my mom's dad. Grandpa used to farm before he passed, and I feel closer to him when I do too. It's kinda weird looking up to someone you don't know and is deceased, but its definitely not the first time for our culture.

Sometimes I feel that the American way of life has lost touch with its roots and traditions that we don't have an identity. We have become so tolerant because of this, but its not always beneficial. Many of my generation don't want to experience their culture, so what will bind us?

Buying shit-consumerism? Sarah Palin? Guns?

Who the hell knows. Just because you come from a strong cultural background, it doesn't mean you have to be a bigot about everyone else. I'm not advocating world peace like Miss America, I'm just saying that I feel disjointed as an American. Where do I stand in this huge ass country, and does what I have to say matter?

I wish I had all the answers sometimes, but that would make life boring and predictable. It's more fun this way. And the best thing about trying to get back to roots, there are so many-Apache, Tuscorora, French Yuganot, Scotch, Mexican, Judaism, Catholicism, Baptist, and so much more. If there's something I don't like I can incorporate something else.

-Goose

Finals Week

2 down and 2 to go. At this point I don't even care anymore. The last two finals are for classes that I liked and I think I can rock them. Looks like I am going to have a c average this term :/ Lame I know. I'm just so glad it's over. Until next term...

At least next term I am taking a bunch of classes that I will like except health. What a bore, I'd rather learn about animals.

Here it goes...

I have been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. The answer is that I don't know. I know that I am going to be a farmer, but that is a way of life-not an occupation.

The plan is to graduate college with an Animal Science degree and a kick ass GPA. The intent is that I want to keep my options open for grad school. But here's the thing; what would I study? I have had interests in the study of ruminology for the last couple of years but my new job has me wondering about going to vet. school.

The only thing is that I don't want to be a veterinarian. I want to farm. But if I could vet. my own animals I would have a huge advantage. At this point I'm just wondering what I am going to do with my life besides stay in love, get married, and have kids someday.

Daydreaming is probably the most accurate description. I guess we'll see where it goes, but as of yet I haven't a clue.

-Goose

Brand New

I am going to give you a simple set of instructions and you should follow them exactly. An explanation will follow.

1. Go somewhere absolutely quiet. If you own a laptop, take it somewhere away from everyone else. With a window if possible or even outside.
2. Click on the link below. Let it load.
3. While the link is loading, take a few deep breaths.
4. Has it finished yet? Oh good. Push play.
5. Immediately look outside or towards the sun.
   
6. Now close your eyes.
   

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

What'd you think? My hope is that you set absolutely no expectation and did not watch the video.

This band Brand New is amazing. I must say that I am in love with almost every song I have heard. I have looked up the lyrics and I know most from memory. The music was meant to be enjoyed. The words themselves are not enough. If all their lyrics went into a book I would read it from cover to cover. But for most people it would not be enough for them to get hooked like I am.

Not in a crazy psycho I stalk this band kind of way, just in love with the music. Every single beat is melodious and beautiful. It never gets old and tiring. The longer I listen to it on repeat it begins to sound like a lullaby and I feel soothed. I don't do it enough these days.

A few years ago when I felt like complete shat I was walking home from the bus listening to my ipod. The album Deja Entendu was made for that cold winter day. It was dry and sunny, and I smiled the whole way home because nothing mattered but that moment. That's the same feeling I get when I hear them today.

I will have to admit that music for me is an escape. Blah Blah. "You're not supposed to run from your problems" etc. I know, HOWERVER-of all things to use to escape reality, music is by far the best. I just can't let it go. When I'm fifty and all the bands are tecnologic and enhanced like the amazing Lady Gaga, I will be listening to cds from Brand New.

-Goose

Lost.

It's weird when I think about how lost I was 2 years ago and then I feel it all come back.

The stress. The yelling. The arguing. The big non-greek italian behavior of my family. Oh that's right. They can make me just as small as a gnat sometimes. Don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but lately it has just kinda sucked.

Dead week has already started, money is tight-wishing I were a bit more Jewish right about now(I know, that's not PC-who cares?!), I'm working now, and I miss my Bee. It's really sad when you see someone all the time and you miss them. I never understood how that happens until now. You become an "adult" and oblige to everything that everyone else wants us to do, but not really being happy about it.

Bee, I miss you.

Something else I have been thinking about is friends. There are the friends for life who will be at your wedding not matter what happens and then there are the ones who dominate your facebook and picture albums. I have the first, but the latter is somewhat missing. Well not missing, just lacking. I guess I don't put in enough effort.

So then it makes it my fault. Ain't that a bummer. So what do I do about it? I can't go back to the old ones and become besties all over again, I'm ~2500 miles away. It's not logoical and will never happen no matter how hard I wish it.

Just like everything else in life I have to work at it. I have to find a way to fit in friendships in my already well established schedule of work, school, and working for the family.

Results calculated Of Total Hours Used out of 168:

• In Class Time: 20 hrs
• Commute Time: ~3.5hrs
  
• Farm Time(Chores in general 2x day): 14 hrs
  
• Farm Workday: 10 hrs
• Work Hours: ~15 hrs
  
• Study Time: 10 hrs
• Sleep(9hrs/night): 63 hrs
• Eat(~3hrs/day): 21 hrs

Estimated Free Time: ~11.5 Hours. OUCH! That's gonna hurt.

What about seeing Brandon, running errands, and things like cleaning my room(cough cough). I'm sure it's hard to believe that I have a vested interested in cleaning my room, but I assure you I do. I just have to get to it. Oh lordy.

Luckily I got to see my old mentor Bonnie, she's something else. It's like she can see right through my compulsive neurocies and worry, like she knows I'll be just fine. That woman is a saving grace and I'm so glad to call her friend.

A friend! I knew I could do it. :0 What the?!

I'll be fine.

Wow!

How is it that I can sit and post a blog in under a half hour but for the life of me I can't ever manage to write a speech with enough time to rehearse it. I have a speech due at 1:30pm tomo and a Biology lab report due at 11am.

I've been working on them throughout the week but it just hasn't been enough to get them finished. Fuck my life.

Work is great though. I got an 80 on my last Bio midterm and I seem to be doing ok in my Bio labs. I guess I better get going :/

Sad panda.

Frank

Let's be Frank here.

Snoozed the alarm for almost an hour. Finally rolled out of bed and into a very rushed but successful morning routine. Had a super amazing piece of chocolate cake for breakfast. Yeah I know, not very healthy but it was so damn good. Made a 5 pint bottle for the bull calf, supplied his breakfast.

My darling older sister is helping out even more than she normally does and is going to help me out with feeding when I work in the mornings so I don't have to be at five, so morning chores were quick. Then Aunt Flow arrived. Whatever I made I'll make it through, right? I do every month.

Arrive to work at 8:01, slap on my boots and I'm ready to work. Say hello to the dogs. Boss and I talked yesterday and I thought I would be filling the post-op stalls with shavings. Not today friends, I got prep a surgery room. Pretty cool actually and I get to wear those little blue bootie things and everything. It's great. Half way through setting up my uterus decides to contract painfully, any woman knows this is not fun.

And to make things even more interesting I get to watch a surgery for the first time, somewhat gut-wrenching but not too bad. Although it is when your uterus is cramping like holey hell. I made it through though, no throwing up but I wanted to.

Watching the surgery was weird. First I got all hot and uncomfortable so I took my coat off, then I start freezing my butt off. Then my actual stomach starts cramping above the uteran cramps, so not fair. I made it ok, but when I got out I just felt sick.

I talked to some of the other people present and they assured me that I'd be okay, it's something you get acclimatized to in time. That made me feel a bit better. I'm okay now. I guess I just get nervous.

Oy.

Once again I have been neglecting this poor thing. There has just been so much going on that I actually have something to blog about.

For starters I am now gainfully employed as a student worker for the Department of Animals in the College of Ag. Sciences here at O. State. More specifically I assist a research assistant since their is too much work for just one person. I also tend to sheep on a regular basis, pre and post-op care, prep surgery rooms, and lab work. Basically my job is kick ass. I'm really enjoying the work and gaining some different experience, plus my boss works alongside me and not over me so I don't feel unimportant or like slave labor.

Due to this super awesome job and being exposed to amazing people and resources I might end up with a two year old border collie pup. He-Sam is his name-actually belongs to my boss, but is in need of a new home. He was raised as a working dog and my boss would like to get him back to doing that. My boss and I are going to train him to be a working dog and if things work out then he could probably work out at my place giving him a new home. I hope this opportunity works so that Sam doesn't end up with some stranger cooped up inside. I'm really excited at the thought of having an animal that I can bond with, since (as I have posted previously) farm animals are well cared for by my family but not pets.

Oh and I suffer from insufficient levels of vitamin D, nevermind the fact that I spend part of everyday outside working. Yay doctors prescribing supplements :/ Hopefully it helps with the fatigue. Lately I have been getting 10 hours of sleep on average, some nights more than that, and it never feels like it is enough. My activity level hasn't drastically changed so hopefully the supplement helps.

More later.

Goose

Being Alone.

November 2007: My highschool sweetheart moved back home to Texas, and left me. I was young and naive and he promised he would marry me, that we'd end up together once I was legal. I'm 19 now.

Slowly we drifted apart, what could you expect from a 16 year old girl and a 19 year old boy. We had nothing to cling to but hopes-and those weren't likely at best. Once I realized that we weren't fit for each other I began to resent and hate him. Now I understand that wasn't very fair of me, you can't expect much in the way of love when you're that young.

More than anything I just became angry. At myself for investing all my emotions in one person, as if it were a stockmarket of love. At him for leaving me. At my parents for letting us be in a relationship. After sometime and not much outcome of anger, I just got numb. Bitter. I gave up. Not on life, but love.

I dropped out of high school January 2008. I didn't know anyone so I didn't care, I just wanted to do something that didn't remind me of him. I got my GED and started college April 2008. That's when things started to look up. Late into spring term I heard about a job at a girl scouts camp and I thought, wow-this could really be something. And it was. I loved the people, how strong they were and how open and accepting they were. It was clear that the staff had become a family. I'm so thankful for that.

After camp ended I started to revert back to my numb self. Didn't really socialize much that first term so I sort of set myself up. Luckily camp staff hang out post-season and I met even more amazing people.

It wasn't until that summer when I really started to smile again, to be me again.

Everyday I still have to work at it; to remember to smile and not always daydream, and to really just enjoy myself. Now I have someone in my life who really knows me-bitter and not bitter.

I love that I can love him and not have to worry about ending up alone.

Being alone all that time was so hard, but I got to know myself. To know the foods I like, and that I have always loved cooking but never really acknowledged it. To explore different kinds of music and read tons of books. To be able to enjoy the sun on my own, without anyone else.

If you can't live with yourself, why would anyone else want to?

I don't need Bee in my life to be happy, I finally figured out how to do that on my own. I want him there though.

Health

I'm sick.

And it sucks.

almost 10 pm, getting sick.
173 words of my speech accomplished so far.
tired as heck.
listening to Taking Back Sunday
speech due at 2 pm tomo.
still haven't practiced.
have to get up early.
fuck!

75 Things/Memories That Make Me Happy

I have heard about writing lists like this one and hear that they are very beneficial:

1. Moshing at an alt. rock concert, letting loose in the mass of people and feeling every part of the song.
   
2. Looking in on old friends and seeing their happiness
3. Flamin Hot Cheetos with Lime
4. Quoting Taking Back Sunday or Brand New
   
5. making lists
6. falling asleep typing
   
7. making a feeble attempt at writing a book
8. an old jewelery box of my Grandmother's that I have yet to refurbish(the finish nails that hold the back on don't anymore)
9. customized calf-high converse
10. having tons of pillows
11. and stuffed animals, preferably those that you pay high prices for that go towards breast cancer or other good causes, they're plushy
12. home made teryaki burgers
13. my triad necklace, it's a celtic knot
14. Voodoo Donut
15. getting pizza out of Dante's back door-a very 'sketchy' strip joint in Portland
16. my car breaking down on the side of the road right after leaving Enchanted Forest and on the way to Sonic, LAME but good friends made it a not-so-horrible experience
17. "See the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take. When hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away" -Taking Back Sunday
18. Bee
19. The vision of becoming an income producing-self sustaining-environmentally conscious farmer. I'll make it happen.
20. driving The Beast
21. "I'll never ask permission from you. Fuck off, I'm not listening to you. " Blink 182
22. Sleeping with the fan always on
23. Grandmother spraying the embroidered rose on my Easter dress with perfume because I was a big girl
24. Showing cows
25. Doodling aimlessly when I can't find the words
26. singing camp songs
27. Having faith in life itself
28. the color red
29. red peacoats
30. Keila White-Houston, Tx
31. San Francisco baby
32. The New Moon Soundtrack. I'm a tard, I know. It's pretty damn amazing though.
33. Cooking! This leads to the next one:
34. FOOD, I'm a foodie. Maybe someday I will become a food critique but until then I'll just eat lots and exercise I guess.
35. Old fashioned, handwritten letters/notes. They're so lovely and rare to receive.
36. Listening to the piano. I am challenged in the realm of musical instruments, but I adore them and those who have the skill.
37. Triple rainbows. I've only ever seen it once; traveling from Houston to Corvallis. We were passing through Colorado, and on the rare occasion that I was awake in that navy blue dodge pickup I saw it.
    
38. Never having to 'do' my hair in the morning. Pretty much never ever have I spent more than about five minutes on my hair, 4.5 of that brushing the knots out :/
39. Surfing all the while thinking about the lyrics to Brand New's "Tautou"
40. "I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark. I'm spun out so far, you stop by stars. But I'll be true to you." -Anya Marina
41. Eating frozen pizza, mango salsa, and sour patch kids on New Year's Eve of 2008.
42. The one and only time I've been to Enchanted Forest.
43. Red Bull in low quantities
44. This super awesome round blue pillow that has been propping me up while I have been writing this whole damn thing.
45. Choir regionals, 7th grade
46. Looking up to Simone Cid, before she became a poor role model.
47. Falling asleep listening to music.
48. Seeing parts of the Redwood Forest
49. Despising California's "Vista Points". Spanglish, really?
50. Hiking at Silver Falls
51. Taking care of horses with Tessycat
52. Moccasins!
53. Kissing in the rain.
54. Chick flicks. I'm a sucker for them, Bee is too apparently :p
55. Cuban Salsa with my hunny.
56. Blogging
57. Reading
58. Jack Kerouac's "On The Road"
59. Perks of Being a Wallflower
60. Old farmhouses
61. Willow trees
62. The comfort of wearing Levis
63. Thermal socks
64. pulling weeds out of the garden
65. harvesting vegetables
66. foccacia bread sandwiches
67. CHEESE!
    
68. homemade soaps, lotions, and lip balms
69. I am a tea fanatic. I just love it
70. blueberry picking
71. gleaning, Oregon's great for it.
72. Alief FFA
73. Cats and dogs are equally cool
74. Riding the old logging road at CWW
75. Political discussions with open-minded individuals

I was shooting for 100 things but it just got downright tiresome. I have been trying to think of things to add to this list without repeating stuff, but since it's day 3 I will post as is. I guess I ought to get a move on with that speech...

-Goose

Current Issue Informative Speech

I have a speech due and it's mandatory that I write out an outline so detailed and perfect that if I were to hand it over to someone they could deliver almost the same exact speech. Wha?! How is this supposed to work?

My speech is next Wednesday and I scheduled a meeting with my TA for Monday at 9am so that she can look over my outline. I don't even have a topic yet. I suppose I could go with my favorite topic: food!

There is so much I could say about food, but it's not about what I have to say. It's to inform about both sides of a subject. Food with controversy...the possibilities:

• Organic vs nonorganic
• local vs organic
• hormone free meat products
• free range chickens?
• grain fed beef
• pastured pork
• antibiotics in meat products

Oh, the possibilities. I may go with grain fed beef simply because it's an issue that I care about, but I also care about it enough to present both sides of the issue accurately. Hopefully I can successfully pull that off. I have already written a paper about it so I can reference that and some of those sources.

Goose

Luck?

I don't believe in luck. You have to make your own. I know that sounds stupid and cheesey but it's true. Bad things happen to good people everyday and the only way it changes is if they themselves change and adapt. It's how my family survives.

Speaking of changes, I'm already wanting to move on to next term. I am so excited to see what my schedule turns out. Here's what I'm hoping for:

• yoga in the mornings(1 cred.)
• Reproduction in cattle intro course(4credits)
• Repro lab(2 credits)
• Biology 213 with lab(4 credits)
• Health class(2 credits)

Lots of science with labs-this is good! I learn best with labs and the ANS labs here at OSU are effing phenomenal. When I was talking to my advisor about repro, she said I will think of nothing but repro next term. That's kind of exciting!! It's the series of courses that I have been waiting to take for about a year now, and 100% applicable to my own life. Maybe there is a sign of hope in all of last week's bad news.

And to top off the cake my advisor might just be able to hook me up with a part time job during the term and potentially full time job working with someone she knows. She sent out an email to quite a few people but told me to think about it and she'd something up if I were interested. Chyes, of course I'm interested. My current economic situation demands that I get a job, while my college career says that I need to get more socially active in the Department of Animal Sciences. Something that satisfies both requirements is ideal and this just might...however it had to do with research and rams..

I don't know shit about rams, but pre-vet is not required so I'm game and am really looking forward to expanding my options(and Resume).

Keep your fingers crossed!

Monday.

A fresh start. It seems as though last week was the longest single day every.

Recap-Case 1:Bing Crosby

the calf born on Christmas Eve that we were having to bottle feed died. He got an infection early on and we treated-penicillin. Keep in mind the fact that we even had to use antibiotics bothered me. We try to keep things as natural as possible.

Anyways Bee had taught the calf to nurse on his mother and he seemed to be doing really well. Apparently her milk production had dropped and the calf wasn't getting enough milk. We had a necropsy performed since he died suddenly and hadn't shown any signs. This was last Monday. The infection the calf had gotten in the beginning had caused a whole in his brain. No one knew, he didn't act weird. The whole month that we cared for him and bottle fed him meant nothing, we wasn't going to make it anways.

Case 2: McJagger

Last sunday Anne finally had her calf all on her own, no delivery problems that we knew of at the time. Everything seemed okay, we took his measurements-another bull calf-and that was that. Did I mention that he showed symptoms of Albanism-as in one of his eyes was albino. You could see right through it I kid you not.

Come Tuesday he had fallen ill. Another vet visit, intensive care. At one point this calf was laying on a yoga mat covered with a blanket and straw in front of our fire place for 36 hours. He had no suck reflux so he wasn't receiving nutrition. In order to save him we had to place a tube down his throat and feed him that way. I know-I must be a cruel person. A truly cruel person would have left him to die right then and there. Turns out the mucous from being inside the womb had gotten into his airways and he was having trouble breathing.

Thursday morning he seemed miserable but he was starting to stand up and walk around the house a little. We decided that maybe he wanted the comfort of his mother so we put them together.

Because of his Albanism the vets could see behind his eye there was blood and swelling. There was nothing we could do, by midnight his nervous system was damaged and he didn't make. Part of that damage caused him to steer from his insticts and not nurse.

Case 3: Pansy-cow of case 1

Because her calf had passed and she was a first time mom she was very distressed. She balled for days at the fence, in the barn, it didn't matter where she was. A distressed cow is a dangerous cow-she'd lost her young. And who could blame her, she doesn't understand that he's gone and can't come back.

We decided to make a few phone calls and see if we could get her to adopt a little dairy calf. If all else failed she wouldn't and we'd have to bottle feed. His name is Miles Davis and is a Holstien bull calf-very cute. Miles belongs to Bee actually and he seems to enjoy himself.

It actually worked, she nurses him occasionally so we supplement with the bottle twice a day. I am very impressed and glad that Pansy feels better taking care of Miles than being alone.

All in all it's been a long grueling week. I helped Bee scrape 2500 lbs of 40 year old roofing tar off his grandparents' garage and I'm tired. What I want right now is for 2:00 to come so I can get some tea and sit for a few minutes with the love of my life.

Dreams

are interesting things. No one knows a whole lot about them or what they mean. Yesterday morning I woke up frantic and laid there for thirty minutes to remind myself that it wasn't real.

It was about life, my life, an alternate life. It's the life I don't want and tried so hard to avoid with that person, the one I don't want anymore. Logically I know that the main reason I had that dream was because my Mom and I were talking about my past the night before, but it still shook me. There are some dreams I just don't want to have, I don't want to be reminded of what was but isn't anymore.

My mom always says "life doesn't always give you want, sometimes you get what you need", this is very true. When I think of how I met Bee, I honestly feel it was by chance and that he was the person I needed to heal myself. Today, at this moment I know that I'm okay. If I weren't I wouldn't be able to have such a close relationship with Brandon, but it still aches.

Occasionally, I wonder if it will go away. I hope that someday the holes that were formed will be filled with something new and much more beautiful, and with such a good friend I know it will.

-Goose

To You:

I remember, I haven't forgotten, I'm just turning away.

-Aimee

Yesterday

was good. Woke up, fed the cows. Got Bing Crosby to nurse off his mother a little bit more so we're almost certain that we will no longer have to bottle feed him. Thank you Bee :) His help is very much appreciated, because let's face it I can be a bit of a wimp at times. Yeah I love farming, but when you're standing next to a 3/4 ton cow, holding her calf, and putting your body next to her udders where it doesn't belong I can't help but think about getting kicked. Anyways he latched on yesterday morning-progress! Then last night after we took hay to everyone he was nursing all on his own, no help needed. Same thing this morning, yay!

School was decent, although I couldn't help but fall asleep during Biology lecture. I felt a little bad since I normally don't sleep through classes, but I was just so tired. Which reminds me that I need to print off those lecture notes. Then I took a nap in the MU and studied a smidgen. Public Speaking is turning out to be a good course. I listened to 7 speeches from my peers and have to listen to another 13 the next two classes. Mine is due Friday. I'm supposed to address the campus wide budget cuts while specifically focusing on what will happen to transportation on/near campus. It should turn out fine I just need to write it out and look a little bit of information to reference.

Biology midterm is Monday night, Geography of the Non-Western World midterm is Tuesday in class. I can manage. I know I can. Btw I am starving. Gonna head to the gym here soon, just waiting.

For dinner last night I made breakfast! And it was damn good. Nothing is better than a meal made entirely from scratch. Home-made griddle cakes with blueberries inside came from my mom's old cookbook; I tested the recipe on Sunday for breakfast. I had my sister make some sausage patties from ground sausage, and I fried up some bacon. The coolest part was that the meat came from last springs pigs, and the eggs for the better came from our free-range chickens. I really enjoy making meals with the food that we have been able to provide for ourselves. It truly is rewarding.

Speaking of food, Trish picked up the beef from the butcher yesterday. Half was sold, and we split the other half with the fam. The unfortunate part is that the butcher is very old school in their basic cuts of meat. If you don't ask for brisket or london broil as a specialty item-2 great cuts of meat-then it is ground and you end up with 150 lbs of ground beef :/

-Goose

Sewage...

And not pertaining to the public system, our septic system.

Currently we are renters at this property and it is typically jaw-dropping in the summer. In the winter it becomes a money pit that sucks your soul dry and makes you want to live anywhere but the Williamette Valley.

First it was the pump to the well dying and needing replaced, this time there is something wrong with the septic system. I have a 2 year old niece, so you can guess where the problem started-that's right we are assuming that a toy down the toilet is the topping on the cake.

The least attractive thing about this property is that a there is an overflow from the Williamette river that lines the back of the property, it was stagnant this summer. Now that it has reached the equivalent of a Monsoon season, the water table is rising and therefore backing up into our leach field. Not good right?

Turns out that the septic tank hasn't been pumped out in 19 years. In order for the tank to be pumped they have to uncover the tank which is ~2ft down. Mom had the Roto Rooter guys out here earlier today and they were unable to find the tank after probing the ground for over half an hour. They are wondering if it is under our porch :( So it looks like I'll be pulling up boards here soon :/

-Goose

What to write today...

So far pretty damn ordinary.

Mom woke me up at about 6ish. Didn't roll out of bed until about 7:30. Threw sweats on over my PJs, OSU hoodie, and a Columbia jacket. Hightailed it out the back door to go feed the Moos. Checked on Bing Crosby-Ole Faithful(sister; Trish) was feeding him his bottle. No sign of delivery with Anne.

Breakfast of champions: 1 ruby red grapefruit, 2 farm fresh eggs scrambled, 2 pieces of Jewish Rye toast-1 with strawberry jam and 1 with butta, 10 oz of hot cocoa. Delicous!

Drive to school with my favorite "Wake up with Emma!" on 97.9 who is apparently a petite blonde with perfect hair but sounds like a hardcore brunette who bashes on blondes. Guess not, way to disappoint Emma!

Pick up Bee, hike it to my Geography of the Non-Western World lecture. Currently waiting for Bee so we can go work out-a TON! He insists on forcing me do a negative pull-up; who knows how to do a 'negative pull-up'? I mean really?

-Goose

The coolest thing ever

My birthday was last Thursday which was pretty cool. I really enjoyed being home, and my Dad came over :) We made the best dinner ever. We had rice and lamb kabobs, but it wasn't any plain old rice. It was made with mango, onions, celery, pine nuts, and an infusion of spices that only my mom could create.

I finally finished watching Julie & Julia even though it took three attempts. I really enjoyed it, such a cute story and a great blog idea. Too bad I can't do it now :/ That's ok. For now I will just Gurgle Burble on aimlessly. My favorite part about the movie was watching how many different ways you can prepare food. Spectacular.

I have a secret that I am going to share. When I get to be 40 or 50, I want to become something that has to do with food-assuming I get fit. I absolutely love food; the different textures, colors, and flavors. I wish you could see how amazing of a cook my mom is. She really is the best; mixing different flavors and cultures together resulting in one good meal after the next. She is why I want to do it; my mom taught me how to cook and I couldn't be happier. There is nothing more fulfilling than sitting down with the ones you love to enjoy a hard earned meal.

I really feel that you can taste the effort you put into it. So someday I will become a cook, food critic, or the owner of a small restaurant.

Anyways so on my birthday Bee got me the coolest thing ever; a Tea-Zer Tea Tumbler! It's the perfect solution to having good quality loose leaf tea on the go! Being a college student I either have to take my now lost thermos which is so large and bulky and difficult to get into it. The Tea-Zer Tea Tumbler keeps my tea hot enough to keep my warm without burning myself and without having to wait 2 hours for it to cool down. I am in love with this thing.

-Goose

I am at a loss for words.

I really am. I hope that as I continue to try and write a blog each day I will come up with more meaningful things to say more often.

Today I woke up. Picked my sister up from my Dad's. Came home. Watched this weeks NCIS:Los Angeles and Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. Went to the bank, payed some bills. Had a sandwich for lunch. Shopped at Winco. Came home. Fed the cows and rabbits. Helped cook dinner a little bit. Now I'm tired.

I'm sure it's just the new term starting to kick in. I am a bit pleased with myself, however, since I am scheduling the gym three days a week including cardio and cursed free weights. I really don't like free weights. I have never been much of a gym person, but those eliptical machines really do wonders. I really enjoy them since it eliminates the problem of shin splints. Yay inventor! So being more fit is my New Year's Resolution. I'm just so sick and tired of not being as strong as I used to be and having to ask for help, and of half my closet not fitting for the last three years. I'm not promising myself to work on it, but I am going to do it and accomplish a higher quality of health.

That's about all I think...

-Goose

Biology Lab.

So far the least useful lab ever. We went over the scientific method until we beat  the dead horse.

Speaking of dead things...

On Wednesday we sent our steer to butcher. I have sent other animals to butcher, many times in fact, but it was never as hard as this. 

Before I continue, I want to let you know that I am not some vicious person who enjoys killing animals for my selfish life. Every animal that my family raises is loved, appreciated, and well cared for. Many of the animals we raise would never make it elsewhere. The steer we just butchered-we called him Junior-was born last April. April in Oregon last year was not kind, there were inches of mud, cold winds, and the ultimate weather to give a calf pneumonia. When Junior was born he didn't nurse off his mother very well so we had to teach him. Anyone who has stood next to the flank of a cow knows that it is not always the most comfortable place to be, but we did it anyways. This calf needed help or he might not make it. For a couple of weeks we thought that he had caught pneumonia. The property that we were renting at the time was beautiful pasture in the summer, but a bog from November to May. There was no place to get the calf out of the weather. All we could do was try. He ended up making it ok.

This is just one example of where we have helped a situation that would otherwise be fatal. 

If you ask how can I eat these animals that I care for, or how can I eat my pets the answer is not so simple. For starters, farm animals are not pets. That is not what they were domesticated for. My family's pets are the spoiled kittens who wait at the door everytime my sister leaves the house. I have a compassion for animals of all sorts, and I am never cruel. I was raised to eat meat so it is the norm for my family's diet, so I don't think twice about eating meat. But ever since we have started eating meat that we have raised I am so much more appreciative of the whole process. I am thankful to the animal for its carcass that will nourish my body and allow me to be strong and care for other animlas. And I know in my soul that the animal is thankful for a life free of abuse and full of adoration. 

To continue Wednesday's story I should tell you that it started at 5:43 am. I am not a morning person, whatsoever. We shooed the steer out of the barn and were going to start moving him through the different pastures, but he wouldn't leave the barn door area. He wanted his mother even though he was well past weaning age; he was 20 months old. (We don't put our animals through the traumatic experience of forced weaning, we allow them to wean themselves since it is the most natural process for both involved. It also happens to be the most cost effective, since the longer they drink milk the less hay supplementation they need.) He ended up charging at us, and I swear I have never hopped a fence so fast-THANK YOU ADRENALINE!  At least I know my fight or flight reflexes work :) 

After we finally got the bull to where he needed to be, a gun went off. It was incredibly loud, but quick and painless. He didn't feel a thing. It was slightly shocking since I had never been exposed to the butchering process so closely. The previous butchers we have used, you load up the animal on the trailer, truck them over, say goodbye, then go home. This was...very direct.

It hurt to hear it and to see what happened next, but I didn't cry. I said thank you, to Junior. He will nourish my family over the next year and I am incredibly grateful. Am I cold for not even shedding one tear? No, I don't think I am. I maintain my composure and continue my life, not as if it never happened though. I am truly affected, beyond belief. But I can't break down and cry, there are other animals to take care of and other chores to be done. 

Life is about accepting the good with the bad, without carrying it like baggage. So yes, I eat meat and I'm proud of the strength it takes to do so. Sorry if that offends some.

Goose

Thank you!

Today is my birthday. I woke up and feel no older, but then realize I am too years closer to being able to support my sister on Kariokee night...how do you spell kariokee again? That would be fun.

I logged on to my facebook and was surprised by all the 'happy birthday's, especially since I got so few last year. And I'm pretty sure it's not that I gained many new friends this year, quite frankly I have been terribly busy and unable to keep with those that are around. Nope it was the old faithfuls, friends from elementary and middle school, and some new.

I must admit that I really do miss those days. The ones where all you want to do is slam your door shut, lay on your bed, and listen to music for hours without a care in the world. Unfortunately I don't get that often enough anymore, being an adult calls for responsibility so I can't let hours just fly by while I do nothing. Mostly I miss the people and the innocence.

In contrast I love all the new music I have discovered, amazing outdoor adventures, and the warm hearted people I have met over the last few years.

So thank you, for making me appreciate the past and present.

Pay It Forward

You know the cute movie with Haley Joel Osmett(I may or may not have spelled that wrong, no matter), I loved it. One of my favorite movies, it has gotten a bit old over the years but it's a goody. The concept of paying it forward and doing selfless acts when others really need it. It's ingenious.

I have never really done anything big, just the small things. Pulling over when I see a car stranded and asking if they're ok or need help. On Monday night, which happened to be super hectic due to a certain little sister who I love dearly but frustrates me beyond belief, I went to the grocery store for a few things. Whatever. When I was finished shopping I took my cart to the checkstand aisle and waited pateintly. It then became clear that I was not the only one shopping for dinner on a Monday night. We had Jumbalaya over rice, YUM!

A considerably older man with a driveable cart got in line behind me. It was pretty evident that he had poor vision, I was tipped off by how thick his glasses were. I figured hey what the hell, I'm just standing here. I offered to help him unload his groceries. Honestly I was a bit concerned about offering since some elderly are offended when there disadvantages are pointed out. That was not the case here, he appreciative. And that was that. He said "thank you", I said "your welcome". Then the old man said something that stuck me.

"I'll be sure to pay it forward when I can. You know what that means don't you?"

Mostly I was impressed. It reminded me that there are still people who appreciate the little things and realize that the little things add up to big ones. After that, I quit thinking about how crummy the day was going and just smiled the whole time as I pushed my cart out to the Beast.

I love when life makes me smile so genuinely.

Finally!

I have been delaying this post for weeks now. But I'll make it worth your while.

You know how we got a cute little bull calf on December 3, well surprise there's two more! The entire week before Christmas we were decorating like mad and baking cookies well into the night. On the 23rd I stayed up pretty late putting up any last minute decorations for the festivities, and since my little sister had a friend over I slept out in the living room and let them have the room. Put on Julie & Julia, and got comfy. I finally fell asleep around 3. I slept like a log. I finally got woken up around 9 to go feed, but I lounged quite a bit getting some coffee on my way out.

Patricia, my sister and dedicated business partner, came running to the door shouting "There's a new calf!" I bundle up as quickly as possible. We were outside until noon trying to take his measurements, ensure that he has nursed off his mother, take his weights, and make sure there are no apparent health problems. His name is Frank Sinatra. Bear in mind it's Christmas eve, and we invited over the entire family plus my boyfriend for dinner.

We were supposed to have this amazing dinner and do some last minute cleaning; I had forgotten to mop the entryway, vacumn, etc. All those chores got started late and naturally dinner was late; about 9pm. Everything is ready for us to serve up dinner, pop in a movie, etc. Then I'm told that there was a big splash heard outside. That means another calf; F^@%!

After we get the cow in the barn so she doesn't deliver in the rain, we leave her to take care of business. We figured check on her in an hour, for a first timer it could take up to 2 hours after their water breaks for a calf to arrive. My boyfriend went out to check on her right before dinner was being served. And of course there were hooves sticking out of her rear end. Oy. The cow was pretty protective.

Christmas eve continued once we got inside, after 10. Brandon brought his alto and baritone saxiphones, so he played some songs. Everyone hung out, and all the little ones stayed at dad's house so we could do the whole presents under the tree thing. Btw, did I mention we had absolutely not a thing wrapped on Christmas eve. We were up until 4am, got everything wrapped, cleaned all the dishes, and it was great. I really enjoy spending Christmas eve at home with the family.

Christmas day we slept in a quite a bit to make up for our late night. We got up around 10 or 11, fed the animals and then everyone arrived to open gifts. We were finishing up around 1:30 or 2. And I got that much longed for red peacoat. I'm in love with the jacket and want to wear it everywhere. I was supposed to be at Brandon's house for a formal sitdown dinner with his family, but being a girl I didn't get there until 2:30. Oh well.

After gifts and dinner with his grandparents we went to his parents house to hang out for a bit and play some games. It was a bit odd not being home for Christmas since it's usually when everyone in my family gets together. I just didn't get to see everyone as much as I had hoped due to the series of previously mentioned events.

The day after Christmas my little sister gets sick so we take her to the ER. Turns out it was an internal abcess so they put her on antibiotics and held her for a few hours. Everything turned out ok, she's perfectly fine just a bit scary since it came on so fast.

On the 29th we made our way down to Ukiah to drop off my little sister at her mom's. Weather was total shit on I5; fresh snow in the passes had traffic at a standstill for hours the day before. To stay on the safe side we took I5 to Cottage Grove, then 38 to Reedsport, then 101 the rest of the way down. The best view ever. On the drive I started writing down some of the super amazing places that I would love to take some time and see. I'll talk about them some other time.

On New Year's I smoked cigars with Brandon and one of his coolest cousins. I even tried a Monte Cristo Habana Cuban. Very cool. Although it did make me through up :/But that's ok. The drive back home from California was...eventful.

I got up at 6:30, took a shower and had all my stuff packed and ready to go, but 'someone' did not. Then we had breakfast at the amazing The Original Pancake House, it was phenomenal. I got the strawberry waffle. I have never had a a waffle that tasted so good. We got on the road about 9 and then our trip back home really began, after we had to turn around because Brandon thought he forgot his headset but really he didn't. In a long round-a-bout way, that he suggests was my fault, we ended up driving right through San Francisco just before lunch hour. Although it was nice to see the city and I got to take some pictures of a few things as we were driving through. The drive home took forever.

I felt I would die if we didn't pull over so I could pee, and of course we were on the windy twisty roads of The Redwood Highway. We ended up stopping at a state park with campgrounds to use the restroom. But no, we weren't that lucky. We were blessed with the almighty B.I.F.F.Y., but it wasn't that bad. Overall it was an incredibly beautiful drive home and we finally made it safe.

Since then I have been scooping up cow shit in the barn, and demolishing an old run down barn and trying to repurpose the lumber. Oh, and how could I forget to mention the never ending battle with mud.

BTW-It's also the first day of classes!